my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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