I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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