he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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