someone threw a dead crab at me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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