I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
