I wish I could punch you in the face.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
