just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.