Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.