Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
