I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
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Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
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Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.