Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
