I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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