his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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