I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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