If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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