Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
