i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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