yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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