If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
