I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Randomize
