i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
