Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
