Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
