do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
