Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
