I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
