No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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