The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
