I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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