i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
