I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
