This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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