just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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