I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
