I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
