Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize