ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
