Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
