you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
