Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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