I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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