Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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