New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
