Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
