Soap is not a condiment
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
