side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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