Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
