When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
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he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His nipple licking is glorious
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