Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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