I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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