I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
