if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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