I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
