Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
