I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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