Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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