i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
