Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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