Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
