you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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