please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
